Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
