when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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