hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
