I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I love having hate sex.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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