I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
