based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
