I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
