The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
