I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
