Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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