he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
