Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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