I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
