Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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