she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
