first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
