a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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