what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
too bad you live with your parents still
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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