at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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