addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
