if i can run in heels then i can drive
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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