all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
