Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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