she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
