I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
im holly from the hills drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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