You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
