I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
