someone get that fucking seahorse.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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