but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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