I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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