A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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