see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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