he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
