i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
