Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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