My friends, they love my intelligence
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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