she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
