i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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