but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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