you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
