Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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