New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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