$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
