She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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