I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
