I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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