never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
