If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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