I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
