I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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