We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
